YOU: Does Stan really believe all the stuff he says?
US: Tell him you doubt it. We’ll wait across the street.
YOU: Where did Stan go to school?
US: If you mean graduate school, that would be Emerson Junior High in Los Angeles. Others from that alma mater include Marilyn Monroe, Jan and Dean, and Charles Manson. It was an obvious placement.
YOU: He didn’t graduate high school? That’s very inspiring.
US: We’re not sure why. Bill Gates dropped out of school too, but that was Harvard. There are indeed some inspiring examples of people who didn’t graduate high school and went on to change the world. But there are a whole lot more examples of people who didn’t graduate high school and went on to parole.
YOU: Does Stan wear only black?
US: With him, black is an attitude, not a fashion color. He could wear a Hawaiian shirt and fuzzy pink bunny slippers and you’d swear they were black. Stan would like to point out that he spends a whole lot less time getting dressed than people spend asking him about it.
YOU: Has anyone ever told him he looks kind of like Ted Danson?
US: Not without an extra 25% being added to their invoice.
YOU: Is Stan Slap his real name?
US: Oh, for God’s sake. Whose idea was it to have a FAQ section?